


How do you know if it's all too much?

by meggotheeggo



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Exiled Tommyinnit, Gen, Ghostbur is trying his best, Ranboo is a Good Friend, Suicidal Thoughts, TommyInnit Misses Toby Smith | Tubbo, exile arc, tommy just wants to go home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:02:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27945743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meggotheeggo/pseuds/meggotheeggo
Summary: On the first day of his exile, Tommy cries.Tucked into the corner of his makeshift base, rain pouring through the gaping hole in the roof, Ghostbur hovering close-by, he cries his heart out.OR, Tommy gets exiled and doesn't take it too well, but maybe, there's hope
Relationships: Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit, ewie
Comments: 43
Kudos: 748





	How do you know if it's all too much?

**Author's Note:**

> tommy's exile streams have been absolutely killing me D: he deserves better
> 
> this is probably my longest fic oops

On the first day of his exile, Tommy cries. 

Tucked into the corner of his makeshift base, rain pouring through the gaping hole in the roof, Ghostbur hovering close-by, he cries his heart out. 

Dream had taken all of his stuff ( _ as if he hadn't already lost enough _ ) and burned it. Right in front of his face. He didn't have much, but it still hurt to see it all disappear before his eyes. 

Tommy doesn't know how long he cries, cold and alone, so far from home. It could be hours. It could even be days ( _ it feels that long _ ). He doesn't know how long he cries for, but in the end, he wishes he never had. His eyes, dry and overworked ( _ a feeling so familiar now _ ) burn irritatingly, as if he's spent the day in the Nether. The usual tight feeling in his chest has increased tenfold, leaving him clutching at the front of his shirt and gasping for much needed air as his lungs constrict. His whole body aches, though he isn't sure if that's from the crying or the long journey they took to get here. Or the warning slash Dream gave him with his sword, sending a clear message in one quick blow. ( _ The message says 'I can kill you.', and Tommy knows it's true _ .)

The worst thing, though, is how  _ ashamed _ he feels. Here he is, alone in the wilderness, and he's  _ crying _ . Crying when he could be collecting resources, making a house, creating a plan to get home. He's useless. ( _ A liability _ .) He's hopeless. ( _ No good for anyone _ .) He misses his friends, desperately, but he's almost certain they don't miss him.

Ghostbur's presence is a welcome one, but the cold that radiates from him is far from helpful. He doesn't have the heart to tell him that though, or the energy, so he takes all the company he can get. Sometimes all you have is the ghost of your dead brother.

"Why are you sad, Tommy? It's lads on tour!"

Ghostbur doesn't receive a response.

-

In the dead of night, still the very first day of his exile, Sam arrives.

Tommy always knows he can count on Sam. The man supplies just about everybody with potions and golden apples alike, and has always been a close ally. He just doesn't expect him to show up so soon. 

He leaves Tommy with a pumpkin pie that reminds him too much of Niki's bakery back home ( _ A memory of flour being thrown at a small boy who talks too much about bees surfaces, and he swiftly locks it away _ ), and a promise of support. Yet another acknowledgement of their allyship. Tommy doesn't think he deserves this much.

_ "Whatever you need, you know where to find me." _

Tommy does know where to find him, and it's that consistent, solid aid that leaves Tommy feeling warm. The miniscule spark of hope in his chest grows, and maybe, just maybe, his friends  _ do _ still care about him. Maybe one day he can go home.

Sam leaves as quick as he arrived, seemingly in a rush. Perhaps Dream banned people from speaking to him. He admires Sam's courage to do so anyway.

He watches the older man's figure retreat until he's nothing but a miniscule dot of shining netherite armour in the distance. He doesn't feel so cold anymore. He wonders when he started relying on the comfort of other people so much.

"I like Sam." Ghostbur says with a cheerful smile. Tommy is inclined to agree.

-

On the second day of his exile, Tommy receives a message from Quackity. 

His communicator pings, and he has half a mind to ignore it. It's likely Dream, sending taunts again, mocking him in every way possible. The same sickening smiley face to match his ugly fucking mask. It pisses him off, but being angry is all Tommy has left, so he reads the message anyway.

_ Quackity whispers to you: i'm sorry tommy _

The weight of it hits him like a truck.

Quackity is someone he's always enjoyed being around. Before the elections, after he joined Pogtopia, after the war, the man's company had always been something he cherished. Some say they compliment each other well. Others say they're too much together. Either way, Tommy doesn't mind.

He's pulled back to the look on Quackity's face as Tommy is forced out of the country. He stands hopeless on the obsidian wall, and calls out his younger friend's name, voice dripping with apology and regret. They both know the so called 'Sexy-tary' of State can't do anything to fight this, so they're left with a teary eyed, hasty goodbye.

Quackity had been the first to agree with his plan to fight back against Dream. The teen seemed eager to stand by Tommy in war, even going as far to add his thoughts on Dream's control over their nation. ( _ He isn't in charge of them. Why is he making all of their decisions? _ ) The way he'd so wholeheartedly sided with him made it all the more harder to leave.

Tommy responds with a quick thank you. He has no time to think about allyship, to ponder over who stands with him or not. He has no time to cry. He refuses to. He gets back to work collecting sticks to make tools, and pushes Quackity's message to the back of his mind.

-

On Tommy's third day of exile, his communicator pings again. He's mildly irritated that the noise interrupts his staring contest with a log that lays within the boundary of their new home, but what he sees on the cracked screen nearly sends him to tears.

_ Ranboo whispers to you: I can't go with you, but know that I am with you. I'll find you soon. Stay alive, ok? _

God, he's so grateful. The one person who had stood with him, through the trial, through the meeting, through his argument with Tubbo, hasn't forgotten about him. The relief that washes over him is overwhelming, and he feels like drowning himself in it.

He owes the enderman hybrid an apology. He's aware that he somewhat forced him to join him in robbing George's house ( _ The reason he's in this mess. He never meant to burn it down. It was an accident and Ranboo is the only one who believes him. _ ) but the way Ranboo had so kindly comforted him, and thanked him for taking the fall, Tommy feels as if an apology will never be enough. He will never be able to make it up to his new friend. ( _ He's lost him as their friendship had barely just begun, and how cruel is that? _ ) He just hopes desperately that Ranboo doesn't forget him, doesn't realise how much better off he is without Tommy. Because isn't that what they all do?

Unbeknownst to him, back home, Ranboo changes the number on his 'Days since the exile' sign to 3 with a downcast expression, and looks after Tommy's pet bat when Dream lets it loose. 

Distantly, Tommy hopes for a message from Tubbo. The chances are slim, yes, but Ranboo's open communication must mean  _ something _ good, right? He hopes, and he waits, but nothing ever comes. Tommy wants to punch himself for even considering the possibility. Tubbo is another of Dream's puppets, held up by red strings and tossed about in a sick little dance. Dream has everyone tied up.

Everyone but Tommy.

Tommy is the one person who refuses to listen to the masked man. The one person who defies him at all costs. It's why Dream kicked him out. Why Dream used the petty excuse of George's accidentally damaged house to ruin Tommy's life. Dream holds the strings, but Tommy wields the scissors, and he'll be damned if he doesn't put them to action soon.

Tommy comes from a family of fighters and names of legend. He comes from feared warriors and quick witted musicians and valiant adventurers. Born for bloodshed and raised in fiery conflict, he vows to live up to his family's legacy. Tommy wants to make his family proud. ( _ He has. He just doesn't know it yet _ .)

-

On the fourth day, Tommy gets a visit from someone he wishes to never see again.

Tommy is mining when Technoblade arrives, decked to the nines in full netherite, with a knowing smirk permanently etched onto his face. And oh, isn't that just what Tommy wants to see? His traitor brother is here to mock him. Tommy wishes he never woke up in the first place.

The fucking pig in a crown has the audacity to laugh at him. It's a rare occurrence to make Techno laugh this hard, but of course, the first time in months that he manages to, it isn't at a joke he tells, or a stupid comment he makes, it's at his broken state, stranded miles away from home, with nothing but a stone pickaxe and wooden sword to his name. He knows Techno has the right to. He practically told him this story before it happened, but the anger that it brings is a familiar friend, and Tommy revels in it.

He steps forward as his brother continues to laugh, and clenches his fists like he used to. He punches him square in the chest, and whatever stupid fucking enchantments Technoblade has carved into his armour sends him reeling back, wincing at the stinging pain that shoots through his body. Techno doesn't move an inch. The sight only sends him further into his fit of rage.

He continues raining punches onto the harsh metal of the chest plate, screaming 'I hate you!!' over and over. A broken record meant only for his violent older brother. The pain forces tears to his eyes, and the skin of his knuckles is torn to shreds, the blood being the only evidence of damage to the armour, but the pain gives him something other than his overbearing loneliness to focus on, so he keeps going. He misses Techno's smile faltering, the way his laughter dies down to a barely noticeable gaze of concern. He only stops when his legs give out from under him, exhaustion and pain taking over. His knees hit the ground harshly, and he curls into a shaking ball on the cold stone of the cave floor. 

With a sigh, Techno turns to leave. Tommy hardly notices. ( _ Tommy is stubborn, but Techno is patient. He'll come around, and they both know it. _ )

"I like Technoblade." Ghostbur says happily, picking up Tommy's forgotten pickaxe and continuing to mine out the vein of iron Tommy had been working on.

Tommy cries again.

-

The fifth day of his exile comes, and Tommy is so, so cold.

It's raining again. It seems like it always rains, lately. Tommy's thin shirt is ripped in two places, covered in dirt and smudges of coal. The cold seeps through his skin and settles in his bones, but he's still shivering, which he remembers is a good thing. Technoblade taught him, years ago. ( _ That prick. His hands are wrapped in bandages thanks to the damage done by that stupid chestplate _ .) 

He's alone again, which isn't uncommon, but it makes him feel colder than the rain ever could. 

Ghostbur had left a few hours ago, disappearing into thin air with a cheerful wave and a quick 'Bye-bye Tommy!' because ghosts can do that, apparently. Tommy hopes he doesn't make a habit of leaving, though. He doesn't want to be alone. He remembers what happened to Wilbur any time Tommy would leave him to himself in Pogtopia. He can only pray that he doesn't follow his brother's path. ( _ How do you stop yourself from descending into madness? _ )

He sits, and he thinks, and thinks, and soon enough he's had enough of thinking, and his fingers are numb. He considers letting the cold take over, wonders what he'll look like with blue lips and glassy eyes. Maybe somebody will find his body. Maybe he'll rot here alone forever. Maybe he'll turn into a ghost, like Wilbur, or fall into nothingness like Schlatt, or-

"Hello Tommy!"

The friendly voice pulls him out of his haze.

Ghostbur hovers at his side, untouched by the rain, holding something behind his back like an excited child. He floats down until he's sitting cross legged in front of Tommy, a few inches above the ground. 

"I got you something!" He says, transparent hands holding out what seems to be tattered brown fabric. Tommy brushes his fingers over it gently, and as numb as his fingers are, he recognises the feeling of the material instantly. It's a coat. A very important one at that.

It's a struggle to get on, what with his limbs being locked up due to the freezing temperatures, but he manages, and buries his face in the collar the first chance he gets.

The smell of gunpowder and oak wood and dried blood consume him, and it's so unmistakably  _ Wilbur _ . He almost tears the fabric with how tightly he's gripping it. He feels warmer already.

"Do you like it, Tommy?" A nod. "I know it means something, but I don't know what...I tried to remember, I really did. All I remember is that Wilbur wore it, so I thought I'd get it for you!"

Tommy doesn't look up from where his face is still buried in the soft material, but he gives a small smile regardless, and he knows Ghostbur can feel his gratitude. 

"Thank you." He whispers. He doesn't feel so lonely anymore. 

-

On day six, he wakes up to an unexpected guest. 

BadBoyHalo is standing a few feet away from his unsightly home, placing items into a small wooden chest. Tommy makes his way over, cautious and excited to see at least someone. Even if it is BadBoyHalo. He still hasn't forgiven him for going against him in The Battle of The Lake and threatening to burn his disc. 

As it turns out, Bad has left him some items. He disregards the majority. It's pity shit. Tommy doesn't want to be pitied. The items are barely useful, anyway, save for the ender chest, but the black vinyl at the bottom of the chest calls out to him, and he pulls it out with a practiced ease. 

It's a music disc. One he hasn't seen before. The label is a deep red, with ' _ Chirp- C418 _ ' written in a charming font which curves around the small hole in the middle. He takes one diamond out of the two Bad has left for him, and uses it to craft a jukebox. He sets it up outside, and just as the sun starts setting, he slides the disc into place.

Tommy has never heard this song before, but he lets the melody wash over him. For a second, he can almost believe that everything is okay.

"It makes me think of a cosmic...woman. Like a female astronaut." He says simply. Maybe Bad doesn't understand, because he doesn't respond. Tommy gets it, though. He understands completely. He names the cosmic woman Clara, and thinks about whether or not she would like the song. As he looks towards the night sky, he wonders if the cosmic woman is as lonely as he is.

-

The seventh day arrives, and with it, comes Dream. 

The green hoodie and porcelain mask is an unwelcome sight, as always. He wants to crack the mask in half. He knows he's incapable. 

Tommy can't fight back against Dream, because they both know he's on his third and final life. It's the one reason Tommy doesn't draw his sword and attack. It's the one reason Tommy gives up what little he owns when Dream asks for it. ( _ He gives the disc to Bad, who is there again. He tells him to run with it, and Bad runs _ .) He watches his belongings go up in flames for the second time, and he stares into the flames until they die out to ash on the blackened grass. ( _ Just like his home. Just like the flag. Just like L'Manberg _ .) 

"Am I allowed back for Christmas?" Tommy asks. He doesn't think it's much of a request. 

"No, Tommy." Is the reply he gets, simple and heartbreaking. Dream's expression is unreadable under the mask, but Tommy knows the bastard is smirking.

"What's stopping me?" He knows what. He isn't sure if he cares anymore.

"If you step foot in DreamSMP or L'Manberg territory, I'll kill you." Tommy doesn't doubt it, but soon that threat will grow old. 

He just wants to celebrate Christmas with his friends.

-

Dream visits again on the eighth day. He brings Sapnap, and they fucking  _ mock _ him. Dream he expects, but Sapnap? Someone he thought was his friend? It stings more than he'd like to admit.

Sapnap says there's a Christmas tree back home. Right next to the community house. It's taller than the house itself, apparently. Tommy is jealous, honestly. Not that he would ever tell anyone that. 

They take a trip to the nether. All three of them, plus Ghostbur. It takes him less than 5 minutes to realise that their portal is  _ so _ close to the DreamSMP nether hub. Tommy has to practically hold himself back from sprinting home. 

When they make it to the nether hub, the purple glow of the portal pulls him forward. The swirling hues call him home, and the whispers begin to sound more and more like his friends. 

"Can I go see the tree, Dream?" His question comes out quieter than he would've liked. Even to his own ears, he sounds broken, and he wonders when Dream gained this much power over him.

"I told you, Tommy. No." And with that, his hopes are shattered. Is it so much to ask? One day. Shit, maybe even an hour or two. He doesn't want to spend Christmas alone. He's close to begging.

Ghostbur offers to take a Polaroid for him. Tommy doesn't even know what a Polaroid is.

As the three of them disappear through the portal, Tommy is once again left by himself. He sits on the edge of the platform, suspended high above the lava, legs dangling precariously. The heat is unbearable, but he refuses to remove his coat.

The lava below shifts and changes, moving steadily, the orange and red is almost blinding from where he's perched. Tommy finds himself staring, and the bubbling of the liquid turns into a high pitched ringing, tuning him out from everything around him. Any closer and he'd fall in, he thinks. Just a few inches. It wouldn't take much. And how beneficial would that be for everyone? Tommy could finally be free, finally be happy. His friends would have one less liability. Ghostbur would have one less burden. Dream would have one less thorn in his side. ( _ The only thorn in his side. Dream says so himself _ .)

His hands grip the edge tighter, bloodied knuckles turning white to match the bandages that cover them. Dream has already taken away two of his lives. Tommy won't let him take a third. 

He makes the move to push himself off. A traitorous hand tugs forcefully on the hood of his coat, and he's slammed back into the blackstone beneath him. His head meeting the harsh material is what throws him back into reality. 

He looks up to see Dream towering over him, and  _ of course _ , the green bastard is the one to stop him. He can't stand not having anything on his own terms, can he?

"It isn't your time to die, Tommy." He says, and if Tommy strains, he can convince himself that there was  _ some _ remorse in that sentence.

"It's never my time to die." He replies, but he desperately wishes it was.

"How do you know if it's all too much?" He asks later. He doesn't get a response.

-

On day nine, Tommy decides that he really, really likes Polaroids. 

He hangs the small picture of the Christmas tree next to his bed. It's bittersweet. He wonders if he'll ever see it in person. Will the bright lights make him feel as warm as he imagines they will? Maybe he'll never get to find out.

Ghostbur wants to leave again. He's getting a Polaroid of L'Manberg, he says. As much as Tommy wants one, he can't handle the empty loneliness anymore.

"Don't leave me." The  _ please _ goes unspoken, but they both know it's there. He sounds pathetic.  _ ClingyInnit _ , his brain supplies. Since when did he become the clingy one? ( _ He always has been _ .)

"What- don't leave you? Tommy, I'll be back," Ghostbur doesn't understand. He never understands, but Tommy can't fault him for it. It's not like he wants to be mad at the one person he has left.

His brother vanishes, and Tommy busies himself in the mines. When he returns to their house, he finds a picture of L'Manberg on the wall, and a small Christmas tree in their garden.

Tommy smiles.

-

On the tenth day, he travels to the nether once again, and finds a chest waiting for him, along with a sorely missed face. 

Red and green eyes widen in surprise at his arrival, but the expression is quickly turned into a smile. Ranboo tells him he looks rough. Tommy says he's got the pep back in his step. 

The chest, as it turns out, contains a single book. His half enderman friend explains that they can use it to communicate, like writing letters without ever sending them. It's thoughtful, and it's so incredibly kind. Tommy would sob if he wasn't trying to put on a brave face. 

They travel to a fortress together. Fundy joins them, and his lips curl into a grimace when he sees Tommy's sorry state. Tommy tentatively asks what's happening in L'Manberg, how everyone is doing, how Tubbo is doing. He tries to feign indifference, but the way Fundy carefully chooses his words leads him to believe he's failed.

Apparently, he's missed. Fundy is lying, and he knows it. They're all better off without him. L'Manberg is better off without him. Fundy unknowingly proves this theory when he mentions that L'Manberg is truly free now, and how proud Dream is of Tubbo. It makes him feel sick. He misses them so much.

When it's time for them both to go, Tommy waves them off with a sad smile. He's met with a promise from Ranboo that he'll return soon, and for once, Tommy believes it. 

Ghostbur is waiting for him inside, and the look on his face says he has something up his sleeve.

"I got you a gift!" Ghostbur's smile is always so genuine. Tommy wishes he could be so happy-go-lucky. "I thought to myself 'What does Tommy like?', so I made a list! And at the top of that list was Tubbo!" 

Tommy is handed a small compass. For its size, it weighs heavy in his hand. On the back, finely engraved, are the words ' _ Your Tubbo _ '. 

"The compass always points to where Tubbo is! So you'll always be able to find him." Ghostbur says proudly. Tommy thanks him sincerely, and the ghost disappears again. This time, Tommy isn't too worried about being left alone. 

He deposits the compass into his enderchest, right beside his remaining music discs. It's as close to his heart as he can get it.

-

Surprisingly, nothing happens on the eleventh day. Or the twelfth. Or the thirteenth. Or fourteenth. Tommy waits, and cries, and spirals deeper into his increasingly ignored depression. ( _ It isn't depression if he doesn't believe it is _ .) He continues his back and forth messaging with Ranboo, but other than that, the only interaction he has is with Ghostbur.

The hopeless teen slowly comes to the realisation that he's never going home. He's going to be stuck here forever, with nothing but the amnesia ridden ghost of his dead, maniac brother to keep him company. The days don't pass in a blur like he expects them to. They drag on, stretching into years and decades. He wonders if Clara the cosmic woman feels the same.

His interaction with the village nearby doesn't go all too well. They don't speak English, for a start. They barely speak at all. It leaves him feeling emptier than before.

It's on day fourteen, the final straw, that Tommy realises that he might need allies. The kind that he's reluctant to make.

-

It's day fifteen, and Tommy is once again freezing his ass off. This time, though, it's by choice. ( _ Choice isn't the word he would use when it's his only option _ .) 

His feet drag slowly through the snow, icy water leaking through the holes in his boots. Ghostbur floats by his side worriedly, the harsh wind and quick flurries of snowflakes blowing right through him. Of course, the one day he chooses to make this journey, there's a blizzard. Tommy has always had shit luck.

The moment he spots the smoke rising from a chimney in the distance, a promise of warmth, of hope, is also the moment he realises he's stopped shivering. It's not a good sign. What also isn't a good sign is the way the world is tilting. Before he knows it, he's laying in the snow, staring up at the dense clouds. It's fitting, he thinks, that as soon as he's about to reach out for help, the world decides it's his time to go. His time to  _ die _ . Tommy is just thankful that Dream didn't get to take it. His death will be one last 'Fuck you!'. Optimistically, he hopes Dream feels guilty. The realistic part of him hopes Dream is pissed off.

The last thing he sees is the deep red of a cloak, and the shine of a crown reflected in the little sunlight.

-

Tommy wakes up with a start, because he's supposed to be  _ dead _ . He doesn't remember respawning. He shouldn't be  _ able _ to respawn. With the way he feels though ( _ drained, cold, aching all over _ ) he guesses he never respawned at all. 

He gathers his surroundings. He's in a bed, blankets tucked tightly around him. He's been changed out of his wet clothes, and a warm hat covers his head. There's a fireplace on the other side of the small room, and it crackles in an almost comforting way. Ghostbur is sat at the end of his bed, watching him with a curious stare. The sound of approaching footsteps causes him to subconsciously pull the blanket tighter around himself.

"Welcome home, Theseus."

Tommy has never been so glad to hear that monotone voice.

-

Living with Technoblade, Tommy doesn't need to count the days anymore. 

After Techno and Phil nurse him back to health, he's finally content. It takes some time to get him back on his feet, and he knows it'll take even longer to get his broken mind back to where it once was, but slowly, he adjusts. 

The cold isn't as unbearable as before, especially with a change of clothes. There is never a silence ( _ Phil had quickly worked out how badly he copes with it _ ), and they're finally a family again. It's peaceful. It's everything he's ever wanted and more.

He talks daily with Phil, cracks jokes with Ghostbur, and trains every morning with Techno. ( _ His family vow to make sure he never uses what he learns. Tommy doesn't need any more conflict. They'll do everything in their power to keep it away from him _ .) Ranboo visits often. The snow is a lot kinder to him than the rain back home is, so they find themselves outside more often than not. 

Maybe, L'Manberg was never what he needed. His family are by his side, and he finds himself happier than ever before.


End file.
